12 posts tagged “reflection”

It's horribly negative, I know.  You've just got to go with what you're feeling, though. 

In which I learn my lesson. 

As I drifted into my final semester of college, I started worrying about what I was going to do with my life.  I'd always had a thought that maybe I'd like teaching, and I'd even majored in education for a semester or so, only abandoning it because I felt like I ought to be taking more English classes.  I was part of the SMBHC, which has a service requirement.  I ended up doing some work for Ben, and really liking the idea of MTC.  Being completely aimless, and having at some point mentioned it to my mother (who remembers everything), I ended up applying and somehow getting accepted. 

I had just broken up with a long-ish-term boyfriend and moved into my folks' house at the end of the semester, so I decided to minimize the moving and stay there for the summer, as well.  As a result, I felt a bit disconnected from the rest of my class, which was amplified by my neurotic, reclusive, introspective nature.  I enjoyed summer school, the classes and the teaching, though it gave me no realistic idea of how I would do in a real school with real classes. 

I started at Jim Hill, which had just lost both Dave Molina and Jake Roth, MTC's wunderkinder.  Big shoes to fill (I didn't even start).  It wasn't completely horrible.  I don't think I cried over my students or the situation too frequently (I think.  I may have blocked some of this out), though I certainly did so a few times, at least.  The students say "scraw" for "straw" and "murk" for "milk".  Oddly enough, this has only started to annoy me lately. 

Back to the story.  I seriously thought about quitting my job and dropping out of MTC more in the last half of the year than the first, and I decided not to after the summer between my first and second years.  Don't ask me why.  I think it was the computer.  I certainly don't give two ****s about the Master's degree.  During the first half of my second year, I think maybe I was more miserable than during my first year.  Memories tend to be a bit warped, though, so who knows.  By halfway through the first semester, I was trying to figure out how I'd support myself when I quit at Christmas.  Somehow, I didn't end up doing it.  Somehow.  I'm not sure that this was a good decision. 

So.  Here we are.  Three weeks til the end of school.  Three weeks til freedom.  I think I have quite a few sick days left, and I'm thinking maybe I'll use them all.  Now, I realize that this blog post is ridiculously pessimistic, and maybe that's a byproduct of state test week, where the administration sticks the teachers in rooms with groups of students for 5-7 hour stretches.  We get our first and fifth block classes.  My first block class is about 30 kids, usually.  I've been stuck with them for 5 hours, 45 minutes so far.  I've had about ten minutes to myself to warm up my lunch and use the bathroom.  I want them to disappear.  At this point, I don't care where. 

I'm a bad teacher.  I lose my temper (more frequently lately).  I give up easily.  I'm inconsistent.  I don't follow up on things.  I'm a bad yeller (as in, my voice doesn't carry).  I frequently have the urge to smack students around.  Thankfully, I haven't acted on that one.  Yet.  At this point, it might just be a matter of time.  This is another good reason for me to use those sick days.  I often feel like I'm trying to herd chickens.  Not that I know how to herd chickens.  Once though, in my pre-vegetarian days, I helped my uncle and cousins catch someone's 4-H chickens and stuff them in crates to be butchered.  That was a piece of cake, compared to teaching. 

So, next year, I plan to have a 9-5 job where no more than a few people really depend on me each day, where I don't have to take any work home, where I speak with my superiors more than once a month, where expectations are clear-cut and reasonable, where my feet don't ache at the end of the day, and, most importantly, where there are no children at all.  None.  I mean it. 

742.  And this is supposed to be 1,200?  Shit. 

I think MTC and I were just a bad match.  I think we made each other miserable.  I think that the right person, with the right personality and the right mindset, could do very well in MTC and enjoy the experience.  Maybe one day I'll try teaching again, but I don't think it'll be next year.  No matter where I go, I'm going to be afraid that the students are going to be just like the ones I have here.  Now, to be fair, many of the students here are wonderful.  Most, even.  It's just those who aren't that I can't handle. 

MTC gave me the tools and skills necessary to be a good teacher, but I didn't use them.  I know what I should do, but I choose not to do it.  I choose not to be consistent, not to contact parents, not to keep a handle on my temper, not to make detailed lesson plans, not to ask other teachers for advice, not to stay on top of my grading, not to find an outlet for stress relief, not to get involved with my school or community, and I've survived.  Hated most minutes of it, but I've survived. 

951.  Closer. 

Hmm...  I guess I'll talk about my second summer.  I stayed with everybody else at Northgate.  (Damn it, why can't the jdfjdklsjflksdj students just close the damn door after they walk through it?  WTF?  This is not a hard task.)  I hung out with folks more often, but still felt disconnected.  This was probably all in my head.  I loved loved loved my first years (and I still do)!!!!!  Hayley, Jenn, and Parks, I <3 U.  Austin and I occasionally had some friction, and we missed Michele, but it June was a good month. 

This school year, I lived alone, and became more of a hermit than ever.  I rarely see anyone from MTC, except for Heather, since she teaches on the same hall as I do.  Most nights, I'd come home from school, change into comfy clothes (sweats/holey jeans + t-shirt), and either crash for a few hours, or sit on my stoop and try my best to forget my day.  I'm perpetually behind on grading, never make parent contact, and don't turn in lesson plans.  Hey..  At least I've not been fired.  Yet.  I stopped caring about school and about the program early on this year (not the year 2009, but this school year).  My grades reflected this.  I won't be graduating with the rest of my class, and I doubt I'll ever use this degree I'm earning, but at least I'm finishing, right? 

Reflecting, MTC was an interesting, if harrowing, experience, and I met a bunch of really neat folks that I'm glad I had the opportunity to know, but I could've done without the whole teaching bit.  I guess then I'd still be wondering if I could do it though, wouldn't I?

The End. 

The biggest difference this year is that I'm focused much more on the students and much less on myself.  I'm seeing the possibilities of each individual student in my classroom and how they can help each other.  I'm being more understanding, more patient (so far, at least).  I'm not scared.  Honestly, I don't remember all that much about the first days of last year.  I feel like maybe I was going through it in a haze, worried and obsessing over everything. 

"I'm sitting in the lunchroom, seeing the faces of my former students and grinning like a fool.  Even the ones whose presence I dreaded.  They make me smile.  I want to see their faces next year.  I want to watch them walk across the stage in their silly hats the year after that.  I'll cry like a baby.  THIS is why I came back.  I didn't know it at the time, but this is it." 

Now, I have no idea if this feeling will last for any length of time, but I can hope.  And when the days get bad again, (and they no doubt will, though hopefully only briefly) I can look at this and remember the feeling and know that eensy tiny little moments like this will make it worthwhile.  I can see that I'm getting pretty mushy here, and that could be because I'm a bit sleep-deprived and horribly sentimental, but I like it.  So I'm going to wallow in this ridiculous, mushy, horribly sentimental feeling as long as the damn thing lasts.  Or til I go to sleep, at the very least. 

Hopefully I won't be embarrassed enough to delete or hide this when I wake up with a closer-to-fully-functional brain.  I totally almost cried in the cafeteria today.  I am a nutcase.  Thank you.  Good night. 

Um..

So, if I had done all of the statistics that my district wanted me to do, I could just look in my files and spit out some numbers for you.  I didn't.  I'm really kind of pulling at straws for this one. 

most successful learning goal:

Grammar and mechanics, maybe?  My Do Now nearly every day was a DOL exercise, and I feel like this was pretty much the most effective method I used teaching grammar.  I could really see progress from the beginning of the year to the end.  Perhaps it was because these were fairly simple concepts to understand, unlike many of the skills I attempted to teach.  Perhaps it was because I used tickets most consistently with my DOL to encourage participation.  Maybe it was just because we did it so very often.  I'm not sure. 

least successful learning goal:

I think this was parallel structure.  Of course, it's possible that this was just the most recent failure of mine.  Who knows..  Why did it fail?  That's a very good question.  I taught it in a way that seemed to make sense, but apparently did not.  I have yet to find a successful method of teaching it..  Of course, one of my wonderful first-years is teaching it soon, so maybe she will have the key.  I'm crossing my fingers.  Ok.  Why... My students don't know enough grammar.  I didn't realize soon enough that I really needed to emphasize the basics, so I didn't get a chance to cover as much basic grammar as I would've liked.  Because they didn't have a horribly firm grasp of sentence structure at the beginning, the concept of parallel sentence structure was a real stretch. Also,  I had run low on motivation to come up with creative, exciting lessons by this time, so they weren't really that into it to begin with. 

My performance this year was lacking.  As we've said over and over, the first year is about surviving.  I survived.  Barely.  I let my students bad behaviors get under my skin and got frustrated.  I associated school with misery and frustration, so I avoided anything that had to do with it.  I dreaded lesson planning, so all of my lessons were boring, so the students hated my class, so they acted up, so I got angry, so I hated school, and so on and so forth.  It was fun! 

I've said this before, and I'll say it again.  This year, I will do better.  That's my resolution.  I will try my hardest to keep a positive attitude no matter what happens.  I will look at my long-term goals for my students.  I will work slowly, incrementally, and patiently with my students.  I will plan ahead.  I will bring creativity into my lessons.  I will not feel sorry for myself, attempting instead to focus on my students.  Lofty goals, eh?

A little late, but at least I'm doing it, right?

What went well?

I struggled a bit with reading material.  After a while, I got a feel for what sort of stories my students liked and what they didn't.  I'll definitely do Coming of Age in Mississippi again.  In the later part of the year, I got totally settled in my lesson plan formula, instead of doing it any which way.  This was a good thing for me, and I think it was good for my students as well.

What didn't?

Class rewards were a bust, mainly because my standards were too high and classes rarely earned gems.  I didn't stick to my Star Student plan, either.  Group work.  I didn't put as much time, effort, or thought into grouping as I should have.  I didn't do it as much as I would've liked, either.  This is primarily because of my lackluster classroom management skillz.  Tutoring.  Students only came around grade time- progress reports, report cards, etc, and they expected to be able to pull their grades up enormously in one afternoon. 

What will I change for next year?

I need to be better prepared for class and think about my long-term goals for the students instead of just surviving the week.  I'd like to have my lessons planned some time in advance.  Basically, my self-discipline has to improve so that my teaching (and, consequently, my students' performance) improves.  I will be more consistent in my consequences and rewards.  I will be more organized in my classroom.  No more hidden stacks of paper for me!  I will find more interesting readings for my class, including more nonfiction than I did this year.  I will keep up the grading pace that I had at the beginning of school this year.  I will stay at school longer and get more of my work done there. 

This feels like a list of New Year's resolutions. 

or, what not to do your first year of teaching

i feel like someone has already used that title.  if so, i apologize.  i'm not at all original. 

let's start at the very beginning. (i hear it's a very good place to start.)  my initial classroom mgmt plan was quite idealistic.  i had basic, vague rules (i still wish i could use them)....  be respectful, be responsible, and.. um.. i've forgotten the other one.  be prepared?  no..  maybe it was be honest.  at any rate, you get the idea.  so those rules changed a few weeks(?) into the year, replaced by 1 raise your hand to speak or stand, 2 come to class prepared and ready to work, 3 stay on task, and 4 keep hands, feet, and objects to yourself.  i was fairly consistent in the beginning, but i didn't stay that way.  i'm horribly absent-minded and not organized enough, so i'd forget or misplace pretty much everything.  naturally, my disciplinary stuff was part of that.  i gave too many chances to reform behavior, too many warnings.  i was much too nice.  hopefully, i'll have the backbone to be somewhat hardcore next year.  i've been visualizing. 

the rules in our classroom this summer are similar to my second set of rules above.  the kids are pretty much angels so far, but there have been warnings, so we're getting at least some small opportunities to hone our skillz.  maybe there will even be a detention someday!  one day, i'd love to have a class with which i could use my vague, idealistic rules, but i have a feeling it won't be happening any time soon. 

i almost forgot.. rewards/consequences

in my classroom, i had a ticket system from the start.  one thing i did not offer in exchange for tickets was candy.  i had homework passes, bathroom passes, school supplies, etc., but i was quite reluctant to bring candy into the mix.  part of the reason for this was my veganism.  i'm reluctant to spend my money on products that i don't support.  i guess it's a question of principles vs. results.  i'm still conflicted.  anyone know of good, AFFORDABLE, vegan candy?   oh, i started out with star students, too.  that disappeared fairly quickly.  class rewards were spoken of, but rarely actually earned. 

my classroom consequences were  1 warning, 2 writing, 3 parent contact, 4 detention,  5 referral.  i think.  or else parent contact and detention went hand in hand.  if a student didn't come to my detention, i referred them to the office.  sometimes, they received school-wide friday detention.  i didn't contact parents nearly enough.  most cared, but a few definitely just wanted me to stop talking. 

This past school year, I worked in JPS and was required to follow the pacing guide supplied by my district, so designing a curriculum map was a relatively new exercise for me.  I made one for the second session with my fellow first-years last summer.  I think it's definitely a useful exercise.  There are significant pros and cons to having a pacing guide supplied by the district.  Sometimes, the time frames for the objectives are unrealistic, but it is comforting to have a guide to follow all the same.  Since my subject was not state tested, I was not watched very closely by my administration, so I could add a few days here and subtract a few there. 

One challenge of creating a curriculum map is the lack of knowledge on the part of the students.  Do you start where you're supposed to start, according to the frameworks, or do you go back to where the blank space starts?  I worry that we're wasting time on basic basics, but at the same time, we need a solid foundation to build on.  I'm thankful that this summer school is twice as long as it has been before, so hopefully our students will have the time to get a more thorough grasp of the most important concepts.  Allotting time is also challenging.  We've changed up our scheduling a little since we made it, which was bound to happen when it became evident where our students needed more work and how fast they could move. 

What is one change you can make to improve as a teacher?

I've been thinking about this fairly constantly for a while and every waking moment this week.  I think I foster a culture of negativity in my classroom.  I encourage and reward students, but I feel like I dole out negative consequences far more often than positive ones.  The simple fact is that these students have been in school for at least ten years.  They know which behaviors are acceptable and which are not.  There are reasons why they act the way they do, and those reasons are the things that I want to find.  Finding the root of a problem seems like a more effective way of dealing with it than constantly pruning the branches and hoping that it will somehow stop growing. 
Basically, the one change I want to make is to be able to understand my students better, mainly to help them understand themselves.  I want to find and address the motivations for the different behaviors my students display, not just the behaviors.  I want to be able to encourage them more.  I want them to believe that I believe in them.  Sorry.  Got off on a tangent there.  I basically want supermagicalxrayglasses that will allow me to see my students' souls. 

On another note, I think I dreamed of glue sticks last night. 

Ok. I'm going to go ahead and admit it.  I have two biggest classroom management challenges.  They seem somewhat contradictory. 

#1 (lately) is my temper.  I get frustrated and angry.  I sometimes let it show.  I'm certainly not the kindest of teachers sometimes.  I let my attitude get very negative, and by showing my students that negative attitude, I cut myself off at the knees.  I speak harshly to a student, and that student is definitely going to be defensive or, at the very least, uncooperative.  I hadn't really noticed this until this past week or so.  I really think that I haven't been quite so bitter before.  (I'm taking a mental health day on Monday. I think it'll be better for me and for the students)  I have been trying lately (ie today) to be more positive in my interactions with all of my students.  (I'm so glad that most of you got started on your Do Now when I entered the room, etc)  It just feels so completely ridiculous to deal with the same problems with the same students every time I see them.  Deep breaths.  Biting my tongue.  PATIENCE.

#2 is my inconsistency.  I wobble.  Sometimes when I warn, I forget to mark it down.  If I forget to mark it down, I have no way of knowing for sure that I did warn.  I give too many second (third, fourth) chances.  I hate sending kids to the office.  Hate it.  They miss class, I lose time.  It makes sense to me that if I send them to the office, they'll hold it against me and be less likely to be cooperative in the future (simply because that's how I would react).  Of course, if I don't send them out, they'll think that the behavior is acceptable (which it isn't).  I have a few habitual troublemakers in my classes.  When I enforce my consequences for them, they complain that I'm singling them out.  It doesn't quite make me crazy, but it certainly causes some significant self-doubt. 

I'm a work in progress.  At least I'm thinking about it and making an effort to improve.  It doesn't feel like I am sometimes, but I am. I promise.

How on earth is it even possible that my "best lesson of the session" was about COLONS and QUOTATION MARKS. I mean really.  What is more boring than a colon?  I'm really confused by this.  I guess that kind of proves that it's not so much the material as the teacher?  Maybe?  Or maybe just that I'm really boring?  So along with this being my "best" lesson, it is also the one that I videotaped.  I watched my tape on a different camera than the one I used to record, and it was a bit choppy and not so easy to hear, but I could see well enough. 

Apparently, my teacher voice is developing nicely, but I need to be confident from the very beginning of class instead of being hesitant and long-winded during the set.  I couldn't hear my voice very well on the tape because it was so garbled, but I've been told.  This lesson, I almost looked like I was dancing in the front of the room during the set.  I move toward the students when they talk, back toward the board when they finish, and side-to-side when I talk.  I should get into square dancing.  At one point, I leaned forward to hear someone and stuck my leg out behind me like I was trying to do an arabesque. 

1st arabesque

I haven't had a teacher-guilt spaz attack in 5 days.  I'm really surprised. Well, not surprised exactly..  Maybe encouraged?  I at least know that it's possible to do this without having meltdowns every five seconds, which is a good thing.  Anyhow, on to the main point.

My lesson on Friday worked really well.  It was amazing/exhilarating/uplifting.  I had fun, they laughed at me, I laughed at me, they actually GOT some of the stuff I was trying to teach them.  They made connections.  They paid attention (for the most part, at least) during the 100 minute block- this would be no mean feat for me, so it's really exciting that they were able to. 

As I've learned lately, I have a problem with time management, especially with literature.  The 'preteach vocab' commandment dragged me down for a while, but I feel like I'm starting to get past it.  On Friday, I quickly defined unfamiliar words FOR rather than WITH them, and we got through what we needed to.  I didn't try to dive right into the poem, which wasn't overly complicated (unlike my last one, which I thought was simple but actually was not), instead having them recap what was happening (with a little nudging).  We identified some literary/stylistic devices, and that was that.  I moved right along with my schedule for the class, pretty much seamlessly.  I ran short a few places and long in a few others, so it worked out well.  I didn't get bogged down (very proud of myself here). 

I had hit absolute rock bottom on Monday.  It was awful.  It was painful.  It was boring.  I seriously almost cried.  They could barely keep their eyes open (one or two couldn't).  Throughout the week, I've been slowly, slowly improving, and I was so so so excited when Friday worked.  So, some days are awful, some days are good.  I'm going to try my best from here on out to minimize the awful ones.  Timing.  Literary material.  I feel like I'm climbing over my obstacles here.  And the kids are having an ok time, at least.  I'm going to work on not boring them out of their skulls.