assigned blog: differences

The biggest difference this year is that I'm focused much more on the students and much less on myself.  I'm seeing the possibilities of each individual student in my classroom and how they can help each other.  I'm being more understanding, more patient (so far, at least).  I'm not scared.  Honestly, I don't remember all that much about the first days of last year.  I feel like maybe I was going through it in a haze, worried and obsessing over everything. 

"I'm sitting in the lunchroom, seeing the faces of my former students and grinning like a fool.  Even the ones whose presence I dreaded.  They make me smile.  I want to see their faces next year.  I want to watch them walk across the stage in their silly hats the year after that.  I'll cry like a baby.  THIS is why I came back.  I didn't know it at the time, but this is it." 

Now, I have no idea if this feeling will last for any length of time, but I can hope.  And when the days get bad again, (and they no doubt will, though hopefully only briefly) I can look at this and remember the feeling and know that eensy tiny little moments like this will make it worthwhile.  I can see that I'm getting pretty mushy here, and that could be because I'm a bit sleep-deprived and horribly sentimental, but I like it.  So I'm going to wallow in this ridiculous, mushy, horribly sentimental feeling as long as the damn thing lasts.  Or til I go to sleep, at the very least. 

Hopefully I won't be embarrassed enough to delete or hide this when I wake up with a closer-to-fully-functional brain.  I totally almost cried in the cafeteria today.  I am a nutcase.  Thank you.  Good night.